You have this huge, audacious goal - you're so fired-up, it's burning a hole in your soul.
Do you share it?
What happens if you do?
What happens if you don't?
Here you are - with your huge, unbelievable great goal ...
Wrong. So, so wrong. Sharing your goal is a near guarantee of failure to achieve it.
You have 2 aspects undermining you - external, and internal. You have a battle on your hands - get armour & weapons, it's going to get rough.
Fear of change is called metathesiophobia. Meta = change, thes = setting, & phobos = fear. Fear of change is powerful; it leads to resistance to change, which leads to anxiety, which often stops us taking any action at all.
Nobody wants you to change
These are the external sources of sabotage standing between you & your goal:
- Your life partner doesn't want you to change. If you change, it would mean the relationship needs to change, then they would need to change the way they relate to you. They don't want to.
- Your peers don't want you to change. In any group, there are patterns & roles that evolve over time. There's the "party animal", the "careful carer", the "social conscience", the "peace-maker", the "whatever-else-the-group-needs". You have an established role, everyone is comfy & cosy. Predictable. Now you want to change. You want to do this big thing, and upset the apple-cart. Actually, how dare you, you selfish thing, thinking only of yourself - think you're better than us?
- Your children don't want you to change. You are the loving, predictable mommy / daddy that they know and love. They don't want you to suddenly turn into a stranger!
- Your colleagues & frenemies don't want you to change. Where does that leave them? What if your happiness & success suddenly sky-rockets, reminding them of their dusty hopes & dreams? Why would you punish them like that?
See why you need to be quiet as a bunny in the Wolf Forest about your goal?
I won't mention words like "selfishness", "jealousy", "envy", "crab-bucket syndrome" - you can read between the lines, yes?
Even without you sharing your goal, once you start to show evidence of effort or goal achievement, you might have to deal with some of these responses.
We deal with that later.
Your brain doesn't want you to change
Think about it - you've spent 34 or 45 years becoming You, and now you want to change that, you want to flush that investment down the drain, for what? For a gamble on an outcome that may not even be successful?
Your mind loves the familiar & known, which are comfortable. This tendency to avoid any loss is what keeps us chained to soul-destroying jobs, to unhealthy relationships, and it is what makes us throw good money after bad.
Emotional loss is the worst. You start to understand the battle? Think about some situations in your life - when you finally extricated yourself, how relieved were you? "I don't know why I didn't do this ages ago!" Ever had one of those moments? Ever said that?
And because we have such a high curiosity quotient, sometimes those lessons had to be hammered into our minds, or endlessly repeated, until we internalised them. Because that's how we keep small people safe - by keeping them away from potentially dangerous situations.
Because you are where your mind lives. And, of course, because it loves you! Just because it's sabotaging you doesn't mean that it doesn't love you.
In addition to fearing loss, your mind is not that keen on new situations, either. The unknown. Tiny bits of new information, which can be comfortably compared to its existing knowledge base, & then possibly integrated -no problem. We are famous throughout the galaxy for our neuro-plasticity, after all.
But a massive contextual change? Our minds don't respond well to that - actually, they do respond. With fear. With anxiety. We'll deal with that later.
All of this is enabled by complex chemical processes which exert a high influence over our emotions, thoughts, and behaviours.
Sneaky brain moves
These are the fears you'll evoke in yourself & your family/friends if you tell them your goal:
Fear of change leads to resistance to change
But it's outmoded, it's out-dated. We no longer have to compete with other predators for food - we get our food from supermarkets. We no longer have to fear what hunts in the darkness - we have candles, and electricity.
Your audacious goal = a software upgrade
Installed a long time ago, when you were in a hyper-learning and vulnerable phase.
You have grown, your life has progressed, you know how to stay safe, and the world is, in many ways, much more safe for you.
Achieving that audacious goal means radical change. That change is exactly like a software upgrade. A version 2.0 of You. Make sense?
But you are the designer, the programmer, the tester, and the end-user. So you need to know what to expect on your journey.
Authentic change goes through 4 phases:
- Phase 1 = Anticipation
- Phase 2 = Regression
- Phase 3 = Breakthrough
- Phase 4 = Consolidation.
Anticipation is such fun! All the excitement of happy outcomes. All the benefits to look forward to. There are no insurmountable obstacles. "I can do this!"
Regression can be a little disappointing. When you "back-slide" into your old ways, or you momentarily forget about your goal. When you deliberately go "off-plan". "Will I ever get this right?"
Breakthrough is often noticed after the fact. When you realise you've been on-plan for ages, without even noticing. "Cool - this is working."
Consolidation is calm, smooth sailing, where you effortlessly integrate the new into your life. Or, almost effortlessly. You can chill, "I've got this.". Or celebrate, "Yay, I've done it!"
I said you need Armour
You only need 1 sentence, "I choose to XXXX."
That's it. Don't give them reasons why, don't offer justification or rationalisation. The last thing you want is to try to explain to another person why you're doing this thing which is, hopefully, amazing. This is your external armour.
If you're here because you want to change from high heels to flat shoes, or change your brand of after-shave, just do it. You don't need all this. Thank you for your attention, and do come back when you're ready for radical change.
I said you need Weapons
- Imaging the absolute worst repercussions of this change, the really scary stuff, feel those emotions deeply. The fears & the anxiety. Feel the sweat starting to bead on your forehead. Breathe.
- Then imagine the most amazing repercussions of this change, the best & most uplifting; really feel the emotions. The freedom & happiness. Feel your happiness levels lift & surge. Breathe.
As a side effect, you'll be better equipped to deal with life's little problems & issues.
Happy upgrade, you rebel you! Need a little courage? Contact me.
Don't forget to tell me your progress - I would love to be part of your journey!
- August Turak
- Adam Dachis
- Roger S. Gil
- Mark Connelly
- Bethany Heitman
- Laci Mosier
- Phillip Pape
- Derek Sivers
- Elna Cain